a world to despare
by DGL-30
Summary: A human in equestrian ( where else) feels unworthy of the life, he sees the mane six as too good for him, a mere human too violent uncouth and dumb to be equal to them find out if he manages to achieve suicide or if his life will be solved by the mane six.
1. Chapter 1

A land to despair

Prologue 

**Authors notes**

**Hey people who have the time to read this, I don't know if this is any good but I'll give it a go, first story. I've had this idea for a while along with a few others. Any constructive criticism is read and acknowledged thx **

"unworthy" I whispered stepping to the edge of the basket. "unworthy" I sobbed, emotion filling my throat. "UNWORTHY"I screamed at last falling from the basket. Away from the hot air balloon that would assist in my demise. I screamed, just because I wanted this, didn't mean my instincts made me fear the rushing howling wind that occupied all of my thoughts. I fell. And fell . And fell. And almost bitterly thought of the mares that would mourn for me. My legs and arms flailing as i fell causing me to spin, around and around. I was almost laughing when i thought he could of come up with a quicker way to do "the deed". As I finally saw the ground approaching i closed i eyes and waited for my spine to break and my head to- " GOTCHA" somepony shouted as I was pulled away from the ground and its warm embrace and back to the tortured pain of living with mare too fantastic for me, a mere human to live up to, I knew they were trying to be my friends but, them being the perfection they are and me being.a foolish human, unworthy of their love. I felt like the rainbow named mare carrying me back to Ponyville was just insult to injury, salt to the wound. " did you see me back there I was AWESOME, I mean I know I'm awesome anyway but I was like 20% cooler!" that was rainbow dash always loyal and never gonna let me "leave" for want of a better word. I couldn't tell her or any of them because then I wouldn't get a chance. So as we flew back I thought to myself attempt 1: fail.

**so let me know about the idea if anyone likes it, I'll keep posting when I can , not organised enough for a schedule.**


	2. Chapter 2

**hey people this is .again...God I'm terrible at these.**

**Anyway here it is,a bit longer than before and I'll probably keep lengthening them until it becomes too much. Sorry as well for some errors I'm doing this on a tablet and it has the habit of correcting words when you don't want it to especially "ponyville".**

**RATED M FOR A REASON BTW **

"Sooooo, you gonna tell me why you wanted to skydive without a parachute?" I sighed knowing anything I said would be accepted, another reason I'm unworthy of them. Putting my nicest, most innocent smile I said "I fell..." rainbow looked at me suspiciously. Maybye I was wrong about the whole accept anything theory. " uhh hu." Looking back it was extremely foolish to jump LITERALLY NEXT TO HER HOUSE seething at my stupidity I kept my face neutral as we flew towards the centre of ponyville.

When we landed I began to walk away. "That's it no, thanks rainbow Dash FOR SAVING MY LIFE" I just kept on walking knowing if I said anything I would waste precious scheming time. A rainbow blur covered my eyes as she flew in front of me. " Joe , listen . Me and the girls can see that somethings wrong. You don't go to any of our parties or, ANYTHING so now tell me what's wrong" this is what I was worried about. A confrontation, however I knew, being a long-term depressed guy how to hide emotions,even from fluttershy who has been an annoyance for a while, the first one to see the signs of depression in me. While I was thinking this RD was glaring at me as I remained impressive and unspeaking. I finally managed to muster the courage to say " I'm perfectly fine, just shaken from the fall." She looked at me with those eyes I admired for a while before accepting the hopelessness of ever being able to be loved back."alright then" she said " then I guess you won't mind me giving you this"

I instantly recognised the golden ticket " the grand galloping gala?" I asked genuinely touched at the offer before remembering it was merely so I could be paraded to the big nosed areses in canterlot. Being the only human has its "perks" I guess. I said to rainbow dash I'd be honoured to attend. Knowing that I'd hopefully be looong gone by then. Also because it would have been impossible to refuse dash if I wanted to stay incognito. Rainbow beamed saying " great I'll get rarity onto making something for you". I inwardly sighed at this act of generosity I was unworthy of.

As I continued on my way I returned to beating my self worth back into the back of my mind, because I really don't deserve such fantastic friends.

I also considered my time here and how incredible equestrian was and how. In general they shouldn't have the human race destroying their tranquill way of life. I also , for the millionth time I thought about all the bad traits. My anger, my ineptness with conversation my stupidity my terrible looks.

I was told many times by my friends how they admired my tone of skin and of it matters. I know they're just being the friends I don't deserve

The six months I've been here I've been spiralling deeper into depression. At first it was like all the other stories rainbows distrust the generosity. thinking about these made me smile, remembering my welcoming party. However I then saw, again the brawls with numerous ponies the hazy drunken nights as I stumbled along like an ape. The disapproval in rainbows eyes... those eyes.

I snapped out of it and straight back Into the pit of depression. Having arrived at my house, a small abode nearby to sugarcube corner. Reaching for the handle I opened the door to see pinkie beaming so much I swear I could see Light coming from her.

"Hitherejoehowareyoutoday?!"

You get used to here fast talking,a bit.

"I'm fine pinkie how are you" completely ignoring that she was in my house, she was just pinkie fantastic great lovely pinkie, another reason to despair.

"I'm great Joe, I was here to tell you that twilight wants her balloon back.

CRAP I was sooo dead, ahh well since when did I care about that...

"Okay pinkie I'll do that now" closing the door behind pinkie who had gone bouncing down the street after delivering the message.

I took the short walk over to twilights "house" and rapped on the door.

The door was opened by spike who had to take a step back to be able to see the whole of me.

"Oh high Joe twilight said something about returning the hot air balloon, I'll go get her."he scampered off as I entered the library and looked around at all of the books neatly Rowed and organised. I heared hoof steps behind me and quickly turned around.

"Joe, have you come to return the balloon?" Twilight smiled at me I tried to think if an excuse but couldn't so I just said the "truth"

"Actually I came here to say that I fell out of it and that it's floating somewhere outside ponyville."I tried to look as windswept and traumatised as I feel deceitful? No. Why would I if it's for the best that I never trouble them again.

When I said this she looked at me worriedly and quickly said "oh no. How did you... survive?

Trying to look as traumatised as possible i answered her question by saying "rainbow dash caught me. "

She smiled at this saying "yeah that sure was lucky or you would've ending up looking like granny Smith's Apple jam"

I chuckled at this imagining if I had been successful. No more pain.

"Yeah that would've been goo-"

Noticing my mistake too late I tried to keep my features neutral so she wouldn't notice.

Unfortunately for me I must've reacted because her eyes narrowed.

"Is there something your not telling us Joe?"

I knew where this conversation was going I had to get out of here NOW " no not at all. I'm just gonna go and finish err..." come on Joe THINK "decorating my rooms. Yeah. I was internally beating myself, I'd moved in TWO WHOLE MONTHS AGO there's something wrong with you if you haven't finished decorating by then.

"I just need to finish the spare room" my mind was basically pounding itself into my skull itself now. I DIDN'T HAVE A SPARE ROOM.

Twilight gave me a calculating look obviously trying to see the lies in me.

Knowing where this was going I decided to run for it. "Well don't let me keep you, I'm sure you've got plenty of things to do!" I then walked calmly to the door, hoping to leave it there.

As I reached for the handle a purple, magical aura surrounded it impeding my escape.

"Joe,you know you can trust us right?" The sorrow filled my heart again as I saw how good my friends to me when I was completely worthless to them.

I choked as I tried to reply with a casual "I'm- I know twilight..."

I turned and, breaking the aura around the door with a tug, walked out the door away from my friend...

When I was back in my dirty house. Just how I had to live. Make myself as low and unwanted as possible. I then descended into my basement opening the door with the key I kept on me at all times, if someone where to find out what I was doing, I would probably be forced to live the pitiful existence I was doing now. Only then I wouldn't have any friends.

Sitting at the desk in the centre of the damp room, I began to think of new ways to die. I thought about the simple methods, the rope, drowning, a fire...

But no. These wouldn't do they were too simple to easy... why not at least end my life on a high. That had been why I tried the falling give myself time to think about my pitiful existence. Why do I deserve a quick end?

For the rest of the day I sat there and pondered the best ways. sawing an artery? Perhaps certainly painfully enough but then again, to easy to do. I then pondered things like acid, but where was I going to get anything toxic. The everfree forest? But no, ponies would notice and I needed to be certain it would work. Couldn't have ponies getting in the way. What if I gassed myself. No there were no toxins anywhere in ponyville.

Finally after a few ideas an idea struck me. What if I was to bury myself, certainly slow and oxygen starvation was most assuredly painful. I slowly got up and went to grab a shovel and a large plank of wood

I thought to myself sadly here I come my love... please don't hate me when I get there. For what I did.

**and that's chapter 2 please review an pm for pressing matters and heated criticism that's likely to make me stop writing... on second thoughts just constructive criticism please remember I'm new to it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**hey people it's me again thanks again for the reviews and to the people guessing the story your wrong ( or are you 83) anyway onto the story that I wrote once and then forgot to save...**

**ITS M FOR A REASON GO AWAY UNEDUCATED CHILDREN WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M WRITING ABOUT AND SHOULDN'T FOR A GOOD FEW YEARS!**

In the morning I got up early, left my house and walked to the market. Getting up early was crucial for my plan to succeed I couldn't have anyone get suspicious. As a speed walked towards the market my self worth started sneaking out of its dark pit of despair. Not that it puts up much of a fight with the weight of my sadness and memories and failures on top of it.

As I reached the market I was elated to find that my plan was going smoothly. Apart from the there wasn't a pony in sight. Maybe this time I would succeed.

I went from the tools store to a lumber shop buying a shovel and a plank of wood the wood was more of a long board however wide enough for me to fit underneath it. The board was for when I was in that literal pit of suffering I could pull it, with the mud on top of it and completely bury myself.

Forever.

In peace.

As I walked back I heard a voice behinds me call **( this is an author announcement: ANY APPLEJACK FANS SHOULD SEEK IMMEDIATE MENTAL TREATMENT AFTER READING MY ATTEMPTS AT HER ACCENT thank you) **"well howdey there pardner what brings you here so early?" I whirled around to find a mare with a bright orange coat blonde mane walking towards me. I already knew who it was from the accent. But seeing her filled me with dread. She would find out my lies and interrogate me.

"Oh hi AJ I just woke up and decided I couldn't sleep" goooood good going good so far. Just as long as she doesn't ask why I've got a plank of wood and shovel-"so wha's wit tha shovel and wood?" I soooo jinxed that. Now I was panicking. She'd know if I lied... but I couldn't tell her. " these? Oh I was just... integrating my garden the grass isn't growing well sooo..." hey. Maybe I can lie better than I think. Wait... nope just realised. I DON'T HAVE A GARDEN."and wahs wit dah plank oh' wood yah got there?" Remember Joe stick to the lie what things do you do in gardens. Oh I know! Trying to speak with confidence I said " I was thinking of using it to stop the mud from moving until the grass roots grow... he he..." I was really losing it now I needed to get away. Away from her soul searching stare. " Well I gotta go, the grass doesn't care for itself he he" I laughed awkwardly and then sprinted back down the road. Completely forgetting to stay incognito. This was a race against time all of my friends held a piece of the puzzle and it was only a matter of time before fluttershy got over her fear of me- yeah still scared after six months and told the others her suspicions of me being depressed.

I got to my house in 10 second-wait don't want to steal RD's line she knows and gets SUPER PISSED. anyway I got to my house in a short period of time. And grabbed everything I needed. Not much. While here I also made a hole in th board and attached a rope to it so I could pull the board. When the "moment" came. I paused at the door looking back at my home. At how th generosity all the ponies had of giving me a home was wasted on me.

I then turned around and walked away leaving the basement key on the table. After all it would be closure to my friends so they could get on with there lives and not have to worry about me.

I reached my chosen location a beautiful hill on the outskirts of ponyville. The small town where kindness unlike any other existed.

I then slowly began to dig and every time the spade pierced the earth a friend appeared In my mind. *dig* rarity, *dig* pinkie ,*dig* twilight *dig* fluttershy, *dig* applejack,... rainbow...

I had to pause there seeing those beautiful big magenta eyes...

After an hour of thinking of my friends and how they would move on, forget, I found myself brain dead as I lowered myself into my final work and pulled on the rope. Saw the light cut out felt the plank hit, experienced the Need for oxygen. The blackness of death and the happiness it brought...

"They all say that you will get your mark"

"When the time is really Right"

"And you know just what you're supposed to do"

"AND YOUR TALENT COMES TO LIGHT!"

I knew those voices. " hole digging cutie marks!"

With my remaining oxygen I managed to speak the one word that said it all "...shit..."

I felt consciousness return to me. Slowly I opened my eyes a fraction. Books books everywhere...

"-and he was under the plank, passed out" I heard a filly say

"This can't be... I know he was acting odly but I would never guessed he would do such a thing"

"Do wah?" Another filly said innocently

" err nothing! Why don't you three go play we need to discuss something."

This was bad. When there suspicions were confirmed I'd be done for... I had one chance. I knew where the door to the library was. And it sounded like the girls weren't blocking it. So I went for it.

Bolting off the table and ignoring the Cries of surprise behind me I sprinted towards the door.

But I knew I'd never make It. Ahhh well might as well have tried I thought as a cyan Pegasus hoofball talked me.

I started struggling I was NOT giving up without a fight I started lashing air but rainbow was fast and dodged all of my wild blows. This though gave me the room to get up and reach for my ankle scabbard.

Usually I use the knife in my depressed rages. Doing that thing. But now I was using it against my friends. The irony of It almost made me laugh. Almost.

We stood there for a second the six of them and me. Before twilight took a shaky step towards me speaking softly" now Joe, don't be scared we just want to talk. I laughed at that. I had always hated my laugh. It was short. Almost a grunt. Sorta suited the moment though.

"Yeah and after that, what are you going to do then" I tried to secretly look for an escape. Before realising twilight had put me in a forcefield.

I couldn't help myself. My hopes of it being easy of... of having a deserving death were now washed away. I guess here is as good a place as any... still it would have been more demeaning to have no race of me left. So I was completely forgotten.

I did it then. Went straight for the neck. No escape. Time slowed adrenaline kicked in. I was ready though my aim was true. Just as I felt the cold kiss of metal and the warm trickle of blood, soon to be a torrent. A purple and blue aura surrounded the rarity and twilight were holding the knife. Maybe if it had been just twilight I could've ended it there... perhaps.

The knife then flew into a corner of the room, temporarily passing through the forcefield.

Silence again filled the room. They had all seen it. And now they're fears had been confirmed.

"Why..." rainbow asked sadness filling her eyes. I turned away shamed that she had to see it. That now I was doomed. At her innocence. I guess none of them really knew of the horrors associated with humans, or depression.

I don't know how long we sat there just sharing my sadness. Or 1 millionth of it anyway...

I slowly stood after a while walked over to a chair in the middle of the forcefield and said in as calm and matter of fact voice as possible" so... what do you want to talk about."

This had the desired effect on them they all just stood there eyes wide mouths open.. I almost laughed. Almost .

After about a minute. I think. twilight spoke" just why Joe,you seemed so happy when you arrived..."

I knew they wouldn't understand what I said the thoughts of depression are confusing to others. knowing this I decided on the truth. Even if they were confused by what I said. They were my friends. They deserved to know. For once, I decided to tell the truth. " I'm unworthy..."I muttered bitterly. If I'd been given a better personality roll, maybe things would be different. Maybe all of the other stories people wrote would have happened. The love. The care. The self worth. "Sorry what did you say?" "I'M UNWORTHY" I roared " I DON'T DESERVE YOU COMPASION, YOUR GENEROSITY, YOUR KINDNESS, YOUR HAPPINESS. I don't deserve any of it... I'm too evil, to easily angered, to human. This world is too innocent for mankind. Especially me..." I looked up knowing what I'd see. They didn't disappoint. The shock, the horror of such thoughts. The judging looks seeing them deciding to abandons me. Ahh well at least it would make it easier the next time.

Rainbow then approached me again. She said quietly "they're not true..."

I looked at here trying to find the courage to deny them. I couldn't. I chuckled then although there wasn't any mirth in it. Or in me for that matter. She suddenly looked angry "your laughing my words away?" " yes" I said. "Another reason to hate me... all I do is cause anger and hate." Twilight then stepped up " what is making you hate yourself so? What did you do?"

I smiled at them then. No happiness though. Not a drop. " your are to innocent and dear to me to tell you" I saw rainbow bristle at this nearly charging me. If it hadn't been for applejack."but not dear enough to you that you'd kill yourself? Where's your loyalty to us?" I stared into those eyes so beautiful and said something I knew she would probably ever forgive " I only care that I end my suffering and, in turn end the suffering my life here has brought you all. As to where my loyalty is" I pointed over at the knife." I'm loyal to anyone willing to end the pain."

Silence filled the room fluttershy then spoke the first time in months "you hate yourself so much you are willing to abandon your friends?" When she said this rainbow grit her teeth and turned away.

Silence filled the room. Finally twilight said girls. Come here.

They huddled in the corner of the room talking quietly. I saw rainbow glance at me a few times. A look of hurt as I had so easily discarded my friends. I wasn't proud and I was feeling so sad at how I'd ruined one of the few things that stopped me from just dying on the spot. After a few more minutes twilight nodded and, turning around said gently we are going to help you Joe. This surprised me. They... weren't abandoning me. Or sending me somewhere at least ? I looked at they're determined faces and said to them " I appreciate the offer. But nothing will change my mind.

They looked at me for a second before twilight said " for now we all need to sleep. Joe, your staying here until I have a go at fixing you." I looked at her before nodding in a disparaging way " ok twilight I'll stay, but I can't guarantee I'll wake up in the morning. Twilights features hardened at that and said coldly" you are NOT dying. We will find a way for you to live happily. The others nodded. Except rainbow dash who looked more hurt than I'd ever seen her. "Ok then, where will I stay". Twilight turned around and began to move towards the stairs saying "follow me".

As we reached the spare room twilight pointed towards the bed and said tursely " get in"

I complied and got into the bed, my feet hanging over the edge. As I thought about everything that had happened and what went wrong I felt the tip of a horn poke the side of my head.

Something went very wrong. I couldn't talk, or move. Or... anything. "Don't worry Joe were going to help you. This is a paralysis spell so you don't hurt yourself during the night..."

As she left the room she opened the door. In this brief moment I heard rainbow say something like "I always l-" before twilight closed the door behind her. As I sat there I felt the sorrow of knowing I would never escape now. However as I thought this I still ticked off the two attempts of the day-attempt 2 and three:fail

I didn't lose hope. Always another day to try.

**Ohhhh my God this has been a pain. **

**Things keep deleting themselves because my tablet Is COMPLETELY retarded. **

**Anyway thanks for the support **

**Reviews are welcome always and so are pm's.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Iiiiimmmmm baaaack!... ahem **

**Hey people me again if anyone's still reading this I must be doin something right... right? Anyway I'm gonna try writing longer although I'll probably fail at this as my tablet will cut out on me or something. Thanks for support!**

**AGAIN ITS M RATED FOR REASONS... ALTHOGH IT COULD PROBABLY GET AWAY WITH K+... **

fire... fire, FIRE! Hurt, pain too much. Those accusing eyes so innocent... so DEADDDDDD!

"AHHHHHHHHHHHH" I felt something snap in my head as I suddenly sat up and yelled at the top of my lungs. The ash around me the charred remains... the corp- "JOE, JOE LOOK AT ME" it disappeared then. I was left seeing twilight. Loving twilight. I don't know what happened. I just rapped my arms around her and bawled my eyes out. It's too painful for me to cope. Too painful.I couldn't live like this. I looked around. Still sobbing for something ANYTHING to end it... just END IT. STOP THE SIGHTS. STOP THE GUILT. I would do anything... anything. A I was thinking this I saw a letter opener on a desk. I lunged for It the cold steel of the grip as I wrapped it round my fingers. and then blackness.

( **sorry can't use line breaks as I'm using a tablet you will have to work it out for yourselves ... ) -**

I awoke to my six friends looking Down on me. I myself was sprawled on a couch. A forcefield surrounding it. " Ok." Twilight said, her voice distorted by the forcefield. " Tell us Joe about your life before ponyville" I laughed at twilight then "you don't want to know about that...my friend. For your innocent heart and my remaining sanity." They all gazed at me know " do you mean to tell us that your mentally unstable?" I thought about my answer before saying " who, prey tell, is completely mentally healthy, but wants to commit suicide?"

They all looked at me In pity. No matter what I tried, they were still going to show compassion and sorrow and help me. This thought filled me with despair... I was never getting out. Never.

I would stay here for my entire life... They would never "fix" me because the guilt was still there. No matter how much I blocked it. I still had to sleep.

"Answer me" twilight said " how did you break the paralysis spell I placed on you". I had suspected that's what happened and had thought about it as I was examining my surroundings previously. "Would spells be disrupted by mental will? I asked twilight. "Because I was very eager to let my sorrow be know..." Twilight nodded to me, confirming her theory no doubt. " Tell me now Joe, what happened to you that you are so sad about". My features darkened. I summoned my most livid face and spoke very calmly "you do NOT ask that again... do you understand?" Twilight nodded worriedly the rest of them, except for rainbow took a step back "rainbow said quietly to me "and why Is that" that did it."BECAUSE IT IS A TOPIC I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS WITH YOU FUCKING MARES!YOU THINK YOU'VE SEEN HORROR BY ME TRYING TO KILL MYSELF?" I breathed deeply seeing their total shock at my outburst before they all launched into curses like "buck ya inta Canterlot ya ungrateful vermin!" Or things like "really! Such language is just beastly!" More insults flew my way before twilight managed to gain order by producing a loud BANG. Everypony turned to face her before she said. "It's alright girls you know he didn't mean it. He's just touchy on the topic making him thinking like this." I yelled again at that "I'M FINE YOU WHORSE. I JUST DON'T DESERVE ANY OF YOU. PISS OFF OR END ME LIKE I DESERVE" . "Your going about I the right way if you want to lose your friends. Come on girls lets leave this beast to die for all I care."Rarity trotted away then. Fluttershy then yelled "DON'T YOU DARE SAY SOMETHING LIKE THAT, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IF WE ALL LEFT YOU SAYING SOMETHING LIKE THAT!" She then promptly made an "eep" sound before hiding in her mane.

Rarity and the others stared at her incredulously before rarity said lightly" I suppose you have a point there dear." while this was occurring I was thinking about a way out of here. They would soon go back to interrogating me. And having them abandon me through insults was now out of the question as they seemed resolute on helping me now. My only hope was to make them feel I was a lost cause. Maybe on the way to the asylum I could find a knife or something... it was desperate I know but . Now it was my only hope to end it all. But In order to do this I would have to relive the memories I had been holding here we go I guess.

"Well now that that's sorted I'll ask again. Please don't fly off the handle Joe. We are here to help you."

I sighed. This would hurt me. Wrench my soul, it might finally fly away. Leave me an empty shell. A painless shell

"It was a cold winters night in... I forget the city. I don't care anymore but. It wasn't a nice area. I was walking home to my house to my"... I sighed "to my..." yes..." Twilight encouraged"to my wife and kids." They all gasped but I kept on going before they could squeal in delight it would only make it harder..." I was on my way from the police station. The police are the ones that enforce law on earth." They were listening now. " anyway we'd just bagged a local drugs Cartell. Drugs are an illegal substance people sell. Mainly to the uneducated and desperate. The drugs ring we found dealt one's that made you forget for a while. I'm sorry... I'm stalling." I croaked wiping my eyes vigorously."anyway I was walking past a radio store and heard that the names and living places of several police officers had been leaked. I heard my name... that meant most offenders in the area knew where I lived and would most likely be rewarded for doing something about it."

I screwed my eyes shut tears leaking through my eyelids. "I ran as fast as I could... kept telling myself. Everything would be ok that I'd see them again and they'd run to me as usual and...it was then I smelt smoke. Heard the crackling. And saw the fire.

It was all a blur to me. I remember running into the burning home... Up the stairs. The crying of my child. The whimpers of my wife...

I remember seeing the fear in their eyes the molten beam that separated them from me.

I saw the hopes in there eyes as I tried to lift the beam. And that hope die as I then whispered in the voice I loved. Loved so much it hurt - chocked with smoke. Joe... we love you. Ruby my child my beautiful,innocent child. She'd always been wise... always. She looked at me with those eyes. So full of life and hope. And said" I love you daddy...She knew."

... I couldn't go on. Her eyes her face. Gone forever.

After a while I looked up. To see all of my friends silently crying. Just... watching me. And I. Just looked on back. We stayed like that for a while as I looked into their eyes one by one. The last I saw were rainbow dash's. Those magenta eyes. So full of life. Like my daughter's. It was then that I continued talking. And why I continued living she wouldn't want me to just die. Why I woke up every day...

"Ahem... after that I just... couldn't stay. I was a coward. I left them. Left them to die when it should've been me in that fire. As I saw the fire brigade come with their hoses that couldn't save my wife" to dangerous to enter" they told me. That's what did it. that's what threw me over. I had my gun and baton and well... They didn't look so happy just to say my wife and kid were never going to get out of that room after that... now there families wouldn't see them again either.

There was a case to call me to charge where I was going to get out on the matter of being. Emotionally unstable. I however pleaded myself, guilty and was sentenced to death. After all as those fire fighters lay there and my wife and child shreiked until they passed out their physical bodies leaving me for ever. I could have just done it there. But no. Too cowardly. To cowardly to do the final right act. I died. On the electric chair. And six months ago. I arrived in equestria..." we all sat there for I don't now how long...

The forcefield disappeared as twilight approached me and tears staining her features. "Joe... I'm so sorry..." she whispered as she hugged me. Then one by one the rest came. Fluttershy sobbing. Rarity distraught. Pinkie deflated. Applejack weeping. And finally rainbow who just floated over. her eyes and muzzle soaked. And joined in the hug. This was enough for me. I cooned for my loss an animal howl coming from the heart of my sorrow the hole in my soul as I saw ruby and Angela again. For the last time.

As I walked slowly down the street. My friends surrounding me so I didn't try anything. But I just couldn't. I was now mourning my loss. I couldn't die from guilt. At least... not today. Not when RUBY and Angela were still on my mind. Not when they had died and I had lived. Not when I had been given a second chance. as we continued down the street to the cafe. I saw ponies going about their daily lives. I thought about how peaceful it was here. A perfect place to reflect. Was I here for that reason. Was I too... distraught, for heaven. No... that isn't right because if I could see my wife... everything would be better. if i could hold my child, hear her precious voice. When we arrived we looked at the menus. I wasn't hungry so when the waiter came I asked for a cure... well not cure but the one thing that lessens the pain. " I'll take the strongest drink you've got." Twilight spoke up then but I growled at what she had to say. "I'm not sure that's a good idea. Pony ales really stro-" "he needs it twilight. Let him drink" rainbow cut across. I was so grateful at her understanding. And loyalty, that I teared up again... after all I said. "Thanks Rainbow Dash... I'm sorry for what I said. But I still stand by it..." They all looked at me then, worry in their eyes.

When our meals came and my ale. I simply stared down at it. Gazing into the dark liquid. At my face staring up at me. I lifted it up and drained it in one. Pony ale really was strong. I could already feel the effect of it, the warm feeling reaching out of my stomach to take me into sleep. I felt myself slump onto the table and for once. Peace engulfed me.

I woke up on the couch again. Facing them as they faced me. They all looked determined. "We have a plan Joe. We are all going to help you. We will each care for you and house you for one week each. We hope you will learn to appreciate life again this way. And how we are here for you when you need us. I looked at them incredulously. "Girls. I understand your determination. But I don't deserve a secon-" "don't say that Joe!" Rainbow shouted " everyone gets a second chance. Everyone. Especially when what they did wasn't there-" "DON'T YOU DARE BLAME MY MISTAKES ON OTHERES. I GOT THEM KILLED!I KILLED THOSE MEN. ME! ALL ME..." I sat there after that breathing heavily regretting my outburst. They were trying to help after all." Please... just let me go... " i whispered tears in my eyes.

"We can't let you do that Joe. You are important to us. Think of the friends you've made. You may have shunned people for the past half year... but they don't forget the kind, happy you they saw on your first day." Fluttershy really had a sweet voice. So silent. Yet It didn't matter who told me. Words weren't going to work. I guess I should let them try and then take the first chance I got... but no. Such a disloyal thing wasn't in my nature. Not when I realised just how many friends I had here. These six the CMC's, Zecora,derpy, Lyra, bon bon, and all the rest. Just how wonderful they all were and how It helped me to live. Although I was cowardly. I knew this. I would do it when they weren't there. When I couldn't see their cute muzzles and innocent eyes. Especially Rainbows,those eyes that remind me so much of her...that is when my aim would finally end. Twilight tried to continue as if nothing had happened but I could tell she was shaken. They were all shaken. To them, this story was as close to earth 's horrors as (I hope ) they had gotten. " errm yeah... you will start with me Joe then applejack then pinkie then fluttershy then then rarity and finally rainbow-" "how will that work? I can't fly!" " I've already thought of that and I'll tell you when we get there" "if I get there..." I muttered sadly "what was that?" Rarity asked "nothing" I said tursely.

"Well I need to go and its probably best if we let you settle Joe..." pinkie finally said. This must have really hit her hard. Her baby blue eyes were watery and her mane was drooping. I guess she'd never heard such a sad story. Or just knew this wasn't a story that could be fixed through a laugh and a joke.

As I went upstairs again. Twilight having bright my stuff over while I was out. And having looked into the basement. And destroying its contents...

I sighed as I sat on the bed. To numb to do anything but sit and think and think and suffer. And suffer and despair.

I heard twilight enter. Probably come to check I hadn't tried anything. "Joe... what did you do to your wrists?" She asked so innocently it almost hurt to tell her what was wrong. Almost. Because no pain inflicted would ever feel as bad as that time...

I sat there and said "I cut them" "but,but why! That must hurt so badly with your nerves and-"

I snapped at her then tired of the lecture."because it's what I deserve twilight." I traced my nail over one of the scabs, opening it up again, a trickle of blood flowing. "What else can I do. I'm still alive. But need to feel the pain my-" I breathed out" my little ruby felt as she..." " I looked up to see twilight her muzzle and features pale, less purple. "Joe- I... I need you to tell me how your going to make your self better" I laughed at this " client-based therapy?! I guess you gotta start somewhere... ok. I should start seeing life and my loved ones here differently." I stopped there, knowing I would never do such a thing. Because to do that would be to move on... And to move on would be to forget... And to forget would mean I would have to forgive myself. And that wouldn't happen because it's ALL MY FAULT.

After a few minutes twilight huffed In frustration and got up. "Well I want you to think. What do your friends mean to you.

I sat there for I don't know how long. Making sure she'd gone. Before jumping for the Window... And being caught in midair. I guess this was a spell to stop me jumping or probably doing other things... Twilight would come back and see. And disappointment would fill her eyes and words would form. Things like "I thought".

"You thought wrong" I spoke sharply. When she returned. "Don't you see? This is what MUST happen. I need to be with her... with both of them." Twilight lucked at me with a frustrated glare" "and don't you see how important you are to us. Your a friend in need. And we will NOT give up on you." "THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND!" I screamed my temper finally escaping. She looked at me and then slowly backed away. She then said quietly. " you will not leave that bed," a forcefield appearing "until you have considered each and every one of your friends here. And until you can hand me a full piece of paper." A piece of paper and a quill appeared." You won't speak either-" before she cast the spell I Said "and what makes you think I will do this." She slowly lent against the magical barrier and whispered wisely." Because everyone needs friends. You just don't realise how much."

I woke to see the forcefield again. I don't know what time it is. I can't see see the sun but I can't see the sun. Then again. I think a purple aura is surrounding the Window. Must be to make me feel completely alone. Not even the sun or moon to comfort me.

This, I thought bitterly. Really. . having to reflect on those memories. Over. And over and over... it was tearing my soul apart. I finally decided to at least try twilight task. I sat there with a quill in hand and decide to do twilight first. At least I had a few good ideas for her.

Twilight really is an obnoxious, self centred pony who enjoys destroying peoples hopes and making feel worse when she's trying to help.

There. Let's see what she thinks of that.

I sat down on the bed and laid my head back. Just then a meal appeared. I was first hopping I could tell the time from there arrival but twilight was clever. She kept them random. Making sure to keep me disoriented. I eat the food and left the note on the tray.

A period of time later it disappeared. But I never got a reply. Instead a new piece of paper appeared.

I sighed. This would take a while. All I had to do was last a week. Can't be that long can it?

*sob* "I'm sorry" *sob,sob* I'm so sorry..."... "I'm sorry!" I howled banging the field. "I'll be good I promise!" "JUST LET ME OUT" I wailed. They were staring again. They were done burning. Now stared. And stared. And stared. I couldn't take It I had to get out. I sat down. With the quill in my hand and began to write. But the paper was burning. And the quill burned EVERYTHING BURNED. I wrote. And wrote and wrote. Ignoring bruises. Ignoring the bleeding. But after an hour of writing. Of TRULY thinking about their qualities. About the stories they'd told e o their qualities. I... I don't know. I just... knew. That they were still there... that. I hadn't been abandoned. And when I finished and I looked all the way up the list. At how much my friends had. How they were unique. How they loved. I realised on thing. They were all there. All of them staring back at me smiling. I... I just sat there. Tears filling my eyes. They were MY friends. All mine. All caring of me. I then smiled. It hurt. My first genuine smile In months. They were all there for me.

Suddenly the door opened and twilight stepped in her head down . Shame in every corner of her face. "I'm sorry Joe... I tried. The weeks over. I failed you.

I stood up, the forcefield having broken and stumbled towards her wrapping my arms round her and whispering."I understand". She looked genuinely shocked at that. "You-you do? I smiled and handed her the paper. A purple aura surrounding the paper as she examined it. When she looked back she was beaming. "Do you understand why we are here for you?" I replied with words from my heart "your my friends". "My good, caring fantastic no matter what I've done your there for me." I then glared "but I will NEVER forgive myself. My time solitude confirmed that" twilight was still beaming. "As long as you understand why your life is valuable and you will stop trying to take it away. You can learn to live with yourself in your own time. However. You still have lessons to learn. I've taught you mine. Now it's time for my friends. And yours. To do the rest.

As I went downstairs and turned back towards the mare that taught me the first magics of friendship. And basically saved my life. I had one question. "Twilight?" She looked at me and said "yes ?" "Have you told celestial about my... story." "No I haven't. I have explained your attempted suicides and signs of depression. But no. Not the story. You will explain that to her. When your ready." I nodded, understanding that my crimes would be revealed to the monarchs eventually. Was I scared? Terrified. But now... now I had support. I had friends."I still haven't forgiven you for putting me through that..." And with that thought I turned. And began the walk to sweet Apple acres. Wondering what would learn next. In my fight against despair.

**wow. There goes my k+ rating thoughts... anyway I don't know if this is any good. I tried to make It longer like requested. If anyone's confused over anything as I can sometimes go from idea to idea when writing. They can pm me with the question and I'll respond. BE SURE TO REVIEW AS I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH HOW GOOD IT IS TO SEE FEEDBACK. **

**thanks again. **


	5. Chapter 5

**hey, fellow ponies. Good to write to you. **

**Just here to say I'M NOW ON FIM FICTION IF ANYONE'S WATCHING AND LIKES FIM OVER FAN. same user and all. Although I'm still getting used to the format and its gonna take me a bit to transfer this thing over there.**

**Anyway on with the story.**

**I'm now also writing this on computer, meaning my parents will probably find out, but I'll do it for you guys 8) ****  
**

**besides I REALLY want to go to bronycon or everfree and that aint happening if i cant get a flight over there **

I slowly walked down the long lane to the centre of sweet Apple acres. Plenty of time to reflect...

And to relive memories... I will NEVER forgive myself... EVER. Why should I? People tell me, not your fault. Not your fault... Well then. I feel like saying. Who else is to blame?

WERE THEY TO BLAME! I'm shaking now. So angry at those trying to help. When I say help...

Twilight had helped. The rest just felt sorry...

I stopped thinking such morbid thoughts as I knew they'd lead to that slow slide that is depression.I continued to walk down the road the bitterness of my thoughts still lingering. However I was now wondering what Applejack would do for me. it would obviously be about labour and, even in a place where cake is considered a meal, i felt I was in good condition. I was part of the police force after all...

when the brightly coloured barn appeared in the distance I heard the clopping of hooves behind me. turning around I came face to face with the huffing face of Big mac. "eeyup" he said a slight hint of tiredness behind the greeting. "Hey big Mac did AJ mention I'd be staying here for a while?" "eeyup" he said in the same tone never gets still hollowly at the thought I responded, "do you know where AJ is Big Mac?"

Instead of speaking he just nodded his head towards one of the many orchards. now that I listened every so often you could hear the *thunk* of hooves hitting a tree.

I nodded my head towards big Mac who proceeded up the road. Towards the barn. I turned and breathing slowly proceeded towards the sound. To meet my new mentor. And find out how she'd "help" me.

I turned into one of the rows of Apple trees and proceeded towards the Orange mare at the end of the I approached she stopped and looked round. Wiping sweat from her muzzle as she beamed at me. **(for the next chapter or two, prepare to have your eyes shrivel up applejack fans :) **"well Howdey there pardner. Ya here fo'... Ermm" she suddenly looked nervous. I knew what she was thinking and said "yeah I'm here for the 'fixing'" scratching the back of my head. We stood there for a second before I asked " so err how are you doing this" she looked at me then before saying " well first of all ya gonna be watched by one of the family ALL the time. Yahll be sleepin' in the pull out bed in mah room. An you'll do yah bathin' wit big Macintosh" I stared incredulously at her before saying angrily "that's ridiculous-" "there's another rule. Non o' tha fancy lingo round 'ere, simple words fo simple folk." I was still outraged that I was to have to BATHE with a PONY. I mean, I'd been there six months and hadn't even petted one, let alone BATHED with one. I sighed... "anything ELSE?" She looked at me irritably before saying" and no Lyin" I looked at her. I'd obviously misunderstood her through her accent. "No lying?" "Thas right. We trust each other, so we trust em wit our secrets as well. Yah don' follow the rules yah sleep in tha barn over there" "at least I'd get some privacy..." I muttered "wacha say?" She asked

"Nothing"I said hurriedly. Too hurriedly" now come on Joe yah know the rule" I sighed "fine! I'll stick to your stupid rules just don't blame me if I don't wake up tomor-." I then instantly regretted saying it. Threatening suicide was just cowardly... "AJ I-" "thas applejack ta you" she spoke. "An keep your words tah yourself then Joe, fine. If yah CARE that much" I was beginning to detect an air of bitterness and sorrow from my friend as she turned around and trotted away."

As I stood there I saw that there were bushels left behind from the last row of trees. I shrugged knowing I'd have to start work eventually. I walked towards the first set of Apple's and attempted to lift them. Staggering under the strain. I slowly walked towards the barn. I'd forgotten how muscled earth ponies are... on the way back I thought regretfully about how to apologise to applejack. My Ill thought threat had obviously touched a nerve. Although I for the life of me couldn't work out why... As I entered the barn big Mac turned round and said "eeyup" "he...ey bi...g ma..c could y..ou h..el..p me!" I managed to say as the bushels had really tired me out. As soon as big Mac took on in his teeth and I published the other on his back I collapsed. "Scratch... what... I.. thought... about managing the Labour... that... is ... ridiculous!" Big Mac simply pointed at the cart behind him and into the orchards. I mentally face Palmed then. Wait face Palmed! The last time I did one of those was... before that night.

For the rest of the day I sat in a chair next to the barn and snoozed, the nightmares not troubling me during the lighter sleeping.

I was shaken awake by a moody looking applejack who looked like... like she'd been crying... before I could ask her or say sorry for my earlier comments she'd dived into the farm house. This made me feel terrible. I'd already messed up. I think I've nearly lost a friend. This thought made my remaining happiness flow away like a plug had been opened in my soul.

I felt nearly as sad as when I'd been alone. My one hope was that she'd forgive me, she was a good mare right, she'd understand if I told her the truth.

That night me and the Apple family congregated at the dinner table and prepared to eat one of granny Smith's excellent meals. I sat next to Applebloom and big Mac. Apple bloom was pretty curious about the human world and I was happy to answer. Just careful to avoid the sinister things. I didn't lie though.

Just as I finished describing how cars worked( well my understanding anyway) granny Smith's frail voice floated in from the kitchen, " foods up folks, Apple cobbler today" applebloom bounced up and down in excitement. I figured she had invisible doing shoes on.

"Yay mah favourite!" Applejack chuckled "now now applebloom, remember your manners guests git the first piece. I took the plate from granny Smiths teeth. "Thank you AJ- I mean applejack" fortunately no one noticed except AJ who scowled and started eating.

I swear applejacks been treating me with less friendliness since I told the six of them what happened.

After we all finished our meal, which had lost its appeal after feeling applejack's new found venom towards me. Applebloom started her conversation up with me. "Joe..." she asked thoughtfully."yes applebloom?" I asked cautiously, I don't like it when kids, or foals asked something in that way. It doesn't bode well. "Why were yah in a hole a week ago?" She asked innocently. I turned to AJ quickly panicking about what to do. No lies she'd said. No lies.

"Well... applebloom, I errm..." I saw AJ out of the corner of my eye slowly nod her head. No lies.

"I was... very sad. I... missed my family and well. Felt worthless. So when you found me applebloom. You saved my life." I guess it wasn't the full story. But it was the truth.

"Applebloom tilted her head in puzzlement "ahh... ahh don' understand..." I smiled at that. Just for looks, like most of my smiles were. My emotions were having trouble coming back after so long being crushed down.

"Its best if It stays like that applebloom." Ruby would be about her age now... I thought sadly. Never forgive myself. Never.

for the rest of the evening I was carefully watched by the older ponies. they wouldn't let me out of their sight. this was annoying for me because I had to wait for applejack to go to sleep. This, however didn't take too long. just as the celestial bodies changed Applejack yawned and said "well ahm gonna hit tha sack fo' the day" she started walking towards the stairs and I also headed upstairs. It had been a long day, and i needed my sleep. but dreaded what would come of it.

as I went about my bedtime ritual, my stuff having been brought over from twilights place, I still didn't get any privacy. Applejack stood outside the bathroom as I brushed my teeth ( ponies also have Colgate...). we then proceeded to her room where I stripped to my boxers and proceeded to lie on the small bed in the middle of the room. something was still troubling me so I bit the bullet and just went for it. "Applejack?" i spoke into the room " yus?" she replied gruffly from the larger bed."i just wanted to know..." i hesitated then, regretting saying anything in the first place "why, erm... why are you acting overly hostile towards me, do you hate me?"

i listened then, trying to gage her mood from her breathing. she sighed "well... ah still don' think you are acting honestly... ya could jus' be waitin' for the right time. so this week, im seein' if you truly WANT a second chance... an' if it helps. i thought your honesty towards applebloom was a start." i nodded at that. then realised she couldn't see me so i said "i see... can we still be friends though?" she replied "I never gave up on bein' your friend, although if youd said to me what you said ta' rainbow... anyway that aint the point. what i mean to say is that I need to be unbiased if your ta show me your worth, now go ta sleep Joe, hard work tomorrow"

* * *

I looked around. where was I... dark trees... swampy land? the everfree forest. Had to be.

I knew this was a dream. you didn't go to sleep at applejacks and wake up in the everfree forest. as I looked around, I noticed a pair bright yellow eyes staring out at me. They seemed close to the ground.

they started moving towards me. for some reason. I don't know why... but in the time the eyes got closer, i was filled with a combination of emotions... fear, sadness, happiness and regret...

that combined with the images of the same girl popping into my head.

"Joe? Joe, WAKE UP" I blinked, the memories of the 'dream' still fresh in my mind.

"wha-what?" I said groggily.

"Yahl was shakin' in yah bed an mumbling words... are you okay?" "Im fine... I just, had a dream is all" she nodded and started to leave the room. "anyway, its mornin' so yahl get up an ready an' we can leave"

i nodded before looking at the pile of cloths in the corner "errm could you turn around for a sec?" i tried to say this in a cool nonchalant way... but failed miserably. i could feel myself blushing.

she nodded before turning away. once i was changed into my work clothes ( rarity made everything i could've needed when i arrived. she liked the change of making human clothes) we went downstairs, following the sweet scent of apples that floated up towards the rooms. as we took our seats at the table we heard small hooves from upstairs followed by the excited cry of Applebloom as she jumped into her seat. "mornin' everypony, mornin' Joe" she said sweetly as granny smith entered with a plate of some apple product i forgot the name of. im sure after a week i would be able to recite every appleproduct there ever was or is.

during the meal the apple family made small talk. me and Big mac channel the same spirit when it comes to small talk. Unless asked don't bother. although he took it to the next level.

"so what are ya gonna do today applebloom?" applejack asked. "ohhh. errr. Nothin'..." applebloom said, I could tell she was hiding something... although applejack must have a blind spot for her sister on the honesty department because she just said "well don get inta trouble okay?" applebloom nodded and jumped up shouting behind her as she shot out the door "ok sis' ill be fine!"

* * *

as we proceeded down one of the main roads between the orchards, applejack explained what i was going to do. "okay, so we know your kind cant applebuck. so yal gonna carry the bushels over to the wagon." she said this just as we reached an old wagon. i inwardly groaned. just remembering the spine crushing task I felt tired. I guess ill be working a lot today.

* * *

forget bone breaking... this... was... sooo dull. tiring, dull and bone breaking. i trudged up one of the orchards before noticing something odd. Over at the edge of the everfree forest... were a pair of bright. yellow. eyes.

I stared for a second... before my curiosity got the better than me. I realised that applejack was taking a breather at the other end of the row. perfect.

I ran across to the edge of the forest where the eyes had been.

there. I found applebloom talking to thin air. Suddenly she gasped and turned around. "what are you doing over here applebloom, you of all people should know that" for some reason she seemed to take offence to that " what do ya mean? You of all people ? whos been tellin ya stuff?" she leaped on me then catching me off balance. I fell with her standing on me. Glaring angrily. I held my hands palms out as a peace sign and said carefully not wanting to provoke, "whoa, calm down. I just came over because i saw some eyes and went to check... those were yours right?" "err, yeah... yeah thas' right. Mine." I suddenly grew suspicious. those wern't the eyes i'd seen... then again, they hadn't really been eyes... not pony eyes anyway. i concluded they'd been a trick of the light and had just stumbled over applebloom.

Suddenly as I stood up i heard galloping behind me as Applejack came speeding into the clearing. "Joe! I TOLD YOU TO STAY WITH ONE OF THE FAMILY AT ALL TIME- applebloom .you doin'. HERE!" she shouted finally staring daggers at us. I tried to speak but hesitated. I didn't want to get applebloom into trouble. "i just... saw something strange in the tree line and came to look. Applebloom had the same idea. We sorta startled each other as well.. he...he" I chuckled weakly. "Joe..." applejack said quietly "ah thought we said you wouldn't lie... so tell me. . ." i stood my ground though. I knew what she was thinking. "I. AM. NOT going to do that applejack. You have to trust me." she glared back "I don' think ahh can after this... how do ah know ya wern't takin advantage of applebloom ta help ya..." with that she turned around. "come on you two" she said with a tone of finality. As I followed her back to the orchard my mind wandered to those .eyes. that didn't just remind me... but made me think. Of her...was I going mad? Had my self blame got to me? Was it really her, was it a sign.

When we reached the row of trees We'd been working on before I got back to work while applejack scolded applebloom and asked her what she'd been doing in the clearing. Away from me. I was over the suicide though... or, at least hoped I was. Because thats what my friends gave me...

After another hour of work. I caught up to applejack who seemed to be waiting for me. "Lunch." She said sourly I sat next to her as we ate our left over Apple stuff from the strange eyes out of my head for a few minutes I set about trying to repair stuff with the Orange mare next to me. "Applejack... I'm really sorry for betraying your trust like that...it was... a stupid decision." She sighed."I'm fine abou' tha it's just... ah worry fo' applebloom. She spends half her time in tha clouds an' Don' care bout safety much. Las' time she was in the forest she came out sayin stuff bout' a town called 'sunnyville' or some such." I listened intently. Now I understood. She was worried I was encouraging applebloom to do rash things. "Applejack... I would NEVER put someone else's life at risk. I might for myself but. I would never hurt anyone. I was a cop after all, protecting people was my job... which made worse when I couldn't protec-" "there there" applejack said softly. I hadn't realised it. But I'd been crying.

"S-sorry. It's just, I'll never forgive myself...

I stood up then. Not wanting to argue the point further. "Wanna get back to work?" I asked. She smiled at that. "Sure. When have I NOT wanted to applebuck?" I smiled at that. This one felt a bit more genuine. Maybe I could be happy. But no. Never fully. Not until I was back with them.

After a hard day's work I returned hot and sweaty and in desperate need of a shower. Wait... showers now = perverted pony spectators... Yeah maybe a sponge bath would work...

That experience was. Weird. However I was mistaken in the perverted part. Weird. But not perverted, he looked away. Still weird having a pony in the room while bathing. Bathing and other activities were awkward for me. But I stuck with it and now it hardly bothers me.

After this I accompanied AJ into town to help deliver the bushel 's we harvested today. As we walked through the streets, going to various houses we saw pinkie pie slowly bouncing towards us, her mane poofy but I could instantly tell that her heart wasn't in it. As she bounced over to us she didn't once say hello to the ponies passing by her. "Hello AJ...Joe." I felt terrible for pinkie pie and decided that when I was staying with her. To put on my best smile... I'd have to work on the whole smiling thing.

"Whatta ya doin pinkie?" I could tell applejack was trying to ignore her friends plight. "I'm just delivering the last of the cakes to those who wanted them... don't let me hold you." She sighed before trotting off. Not even bouncing any more.

"Ah have never seen pinkie like this..." I sighed " it's probably me..." AJ scowled that "yah really gotta stop blaming yourself fo' everything Joe" I looked at her before saying in a warning tone "I'm only blaming myself things that ARE my fault. Let's not argue applejack... let's just go back to the farm.

Dinner again was a sordid affair. Even applebloom was bit sad. Maybe she had been punished, even after I tried helping.

After We all finished. I helped Granny Smith with the washing. "I'm very thankful fo' tha help " she said. "I believe a guest should pull at least their own weight" "so... tell me bout' yah wife."

My stomach clenched. But I obliged, after all. Angela would have wanted to remember the good parts. Over the mass that was the bad..."Well... She was. Fiery. She wasn't afraid to fight for something. Or someone. I was polar opposite with her on most things. But what put us so close together is that. Well. Opposites attract. I cancelled out her overconfidence and she made me more confident. Confident to, eventually propose... I will never forget that look of joy." As I finished applejack came in to tell me it was time for bed. Apprehension and excitement filled me. Would the dreams of her bring with them pain? Or peace of mind.

As I lie on the bed and the dark mysterious place called sleep consumed me. I thought. Here I am... Ruby.

**and there we go. If you don't get the incoming references, look around and you'll understand about it for the next chapter. I'm very sorry I haven't had this out yet. I'm spending a lot of time, now that I accept myself as a brony. Looking around the community so I haven't put too much time into writing. However what time I did put in I think went good cause. YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME. I'm also getting someone to proof read because of tablet spell checker and the fact I miss stuff.**

**See ya all next time. BRO HOOF. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello again bronies! FYI I now have a forum thread on uk-equestria where I can notify you on stuff happening rather than in authors notes.**

**BRO HOOF!**

**YEAH... if your still reading this and your under-age nothing I write will stop you... SO ON TO THE STORY**

"Ruby..." I said again. It was her, I knew. The yellow eyes looked back... "Who are you? And how do you know my name?" my gut clenched at the words, she didn't know me... she didn't know.

Tears filled my eyes. "Ruby, sweet...it's me" But deep down, I realised... this wasn't her. This was my torment... my punishment, to see her. But never be able to love her. Anger flared within me, then died. I couldn't speak… I couldn't. Even as the eyes big and bright slowly disappeared I just looked on. At my daughter, who didn't know who I was; her own father.

I woke up then…but with her last words pricking my mind like a jagged knife. Ready to pull out the part happiness I'd gained in the past week. "I don't know you" she'd said. My own daughter..."I don't know you"

When Applejack finally woke I'd cried myself out. I'd sat there for hours. Crying. About Ruby, about how I would never escape now, and about what I'd leave behind when I found my peace. Nothing would stop me now. Nothing.

When Applejack looked over me I kept my face neutral, hiding the burning sadness I now carried like an anchor in my stomach. The anchor I was going to lose... and with it my life.

"Good mornin' Joe" she said. I had to hide my thoughts… had to. So I smiled, trying to put happiness in it, but I didn't have any now. Lucky for me she had already moved to the door. She trusted me now. The thought put another knife into my head. This one stayed. Keeping my friends in my head, and the pain I would bring them.

As we headed downstairs Apple Bloom came out of another door and followed us down the stairs. We all sat around the table, all of us in the usual places. So uniform. So normal. I kept my face as straight as possible. It wasn't smiling. But I didn't smile much anyway.

After the meal, full of normal conversations, everything so normal, we went to the orchards. Like normal. The one thing work does is let you think, I thought as I carried bushel after bushel. I thought about my Ruby, and how this new occurrence was tearing me apart, How Ruby would see me and how It would break her cute little heart to see me like this. This thought made me nearly drop the bushels and curl into a ball. I couldn't go on. I had failed them, and now this filly in my dreams was living proof I had failed them. Because her denial of me, was my punishment. To dream of her and have her speak back. To love her but not back. To remember her. With all my heart... but not be remembered back.

I then thought of why. When I was sat there before and Applejack was asleep, I hadn't just ended it... coward. The thought didn't even hurt anymore. It was who I am after all. But, No, it wasn't just cowardice. What I was feeling was... curiosity. "You've been standin' there fo' four minutes now." I jumped then. I'd completely forgotten. "Sorry" I mumbled caught by surprise, I couldn't hide the look of sadness I'd been showing. As I walked past her she eyed me. Worry in her eye, but I wasn't dying yet. First I had to ask a certain filly some questions. And then find my ruby. In the Everfree Forest.

As I collected apples I found something that would help me greatly. A large rounded stick. Thick enough to not break and pointy enough at the end to seriously hurt something. Almost as if it were meant to be. I did believe in karma. How if you were meant to be something you became that person. I'd thought of it countless times. I wasn't a bad person. And yet my destiny in life had been to suffer because in that Destiny I would lose it all ,be given it back then lose it again. There was no God. Only fate. As we went back (having hidden my weapon in the apple cart. Applejack spoke "Tell me what's troublin' you." I had decided on this path no one was going to stop me. So I answered truthfully. About the torments. The pain. All of it. And when we got back I left her and went straight to Apple Bloom's room, to hear the story of Sunny town.

(If you don't have a clue what I'm talking about play the game, or look on fanfic I'm sure somepony will tell you)

As I left Apple Bloom's room it was dark and late. But that wasn't stopping me. The fact was. There wasn't anything worth living for. Not even my amazing friends. Because torment is endless. But friendships aren't.

As I retrieved the stick I'd found from the still full wagon. I heard voices coming from the path. I found myself facing the six mares that were starting to give me torment. Not end it. And for that reason it wasn't with regret that I turned and before they could react. Sprinted towards the Everfree Forest. They weren't catching me. As rainbow dash came flying at me. I could see her face moving strangely in the wind. It almost made my feelings for her stop what I was about to do. Almost.

I swung the pole at the right time. Precision accuracy. I wasn't pleased with this. But they could cope with me leaving. She couldn't. I had seen it in those lovely eyes. Love. She cared too much. I knew she would never quit on me. Unlike when I left my loved ones to die. Karma.

I turned back. The girls surrounding the unconscious Rainbow Dash. I could see blood on her jaw. I wouldn't forgive that betrayal. Another added to my list.

I turned without a second thought. And entered the dark Everfree Forest.

As I walked down the path. My former friends fading away I saw the eyes appearing. Red eyes surrounding everywhere but forwards. I walked slowly. My only fear now was that I would be cursed and live with my torment forever. I shook the thoughts out of my head, but not before I thought that cursed word.

Karma.

However as I kept walking the eyes started to disappear. They probably didn't realise my intelligence. It was now that I saw her. Her grey body. Her beautiful blonde mane. And those eyes. Like beacons in darkness. Like Sun's in the night. Driving away the pain. Except for mine. It will never go.

"Why are you here again?" She asked in that sweet voice that made me tremble in remorse.

"I came to ask you some questions. And then to end my life. She looked at me worriedly as I said that. "Why?" The hurt in her voice felt like a bullet to the brain. But far more painful. And slow."You answer my questions first and I'll answer yours. I knew she was a curious person. She was the soul of my daughter. I felt it. "Do you know who your parents are?" She slowly shook her head, sorrow in her eyes. I was running out of time. "Do you recognise me?" She shook her head again. This was all I needed to know. From what I could guess she lived a terrible existence. And I would help. I failed her in my last existence. Not this one. We would both pass on. I hoped. I asked my final question "why do you stay on this earth?" She looked so sad at that point. I wanted to wrap my arms around her. But I couldn't touch her. She was a ghost. She was my ghost.

She finally said "...Mitta... she's in sunny town Until she passes I will not leave her" I nodded at that. The curse from what I was told by Apple Bloom said that until the ponies of Sunny town saw the errors of their ways . They were doomed to walk at night. Forever.

I left ruby as she told me to stop. To reconsider. I simply smiled. It's what I must do. To make amends.

I stepped into a clearing. The eyes had returned. And this time. They stayed. I didn't care. All that I cared about was Ruby. And myself. So as I proceeded towards the town of nightmares. The fleeting glimpses of skeletal ponies I saw didn't faze me. I was beyond their reach. Already marked for dead. A shade of life doing one last thing for my daughter, it doesn't matter if she doesn't know me. It's her.

As I entered the deathly silence around Sunny town. I saw him. Grey Hoof, Apple Bloom called him. The pony that killed my daughter. If I hadn't been like this I would've been angry. But I saw it how it was. He had been punished. He had been given justice. At least this world had got the guy that killed my daughter. Here... the world was fair. And sweet, and innocent. Too innocent for me. After all. I was human. This colt in front of me was the closest I had come to myself. A murderer.

The one difference was that I was remorseful. And so was Mitta. I would help her spirit move on. Be happy. Before I followed in her hoof steps.

I walked past grey hoof. He didn't deserve anymore of my attention. And when he poked me meaningfully in the chest I turned. Anger filling me. "I have already been punished Grey Hoof." I spoke softly. It was true. I had died. It was enough for everyone else. Except me.

He looked at me. Fear in his eyes. I was better than him. And deep. Deep down he knew it. One day it would dawn on him. One day he would feel true suffering.

As I entered the house Apple Bloom had described. I saw her then. Keening in a corner. I could feel the pain I shared with her. Only I was free to escape. I owed it to her to get her out. Because pain for eternity would be unbearable. She was so strong to have not become a soulless wreak. Ruby. I guessed. Her only friend in life. I know they kept me going. Unlike her though I could end it. And I knew if she could. It would be her choice as well.

So I sat next to her. And comforted her. Hugged her and gave her my remaining love. The last remaining love of my daughter. This was for her. I sat there and she slowly stopped crying. She looked up fear in her eyes. Then confusion. I hadn't come here to become a living nightmare. I had come to free one. As I sat there I felt something. Sensation and said quietly. "Mitta... you are forgiven. By me, a link to death. Go now spirit be free." I don't know what I said. It felt so normal. Mitta tried to say something. But she was fading. Her final words were "Thank you" so simple. But those two words were the warmest thing in the world. They were sincere. She was forgiven. I don't care how. It's my turn now.

As I slowly walked out of the house Grey Hoof appeared in front of me. He glared "How dare you let her leave. I did not allow it!" I then said silently. Another's will possessing me it was deep. So deep. "You will not contest this man's last death wish. It is the most honest thing I have in my many years. You are nothing but a scourge on this land and should be sent to TARTEROUS!" His last words were same level as the rest. But I felt like they could split an earth . Grey Hoof was cowering at my feet as I felt the presence leave me.

I just kept walking out of the town. To find a place to die. I found a beautiful clearing. Sounds stupid. Even in my head, but to me it's my final blessing.

As I prepare a vine. Tying it to a tree. I feel a presence. Two to be precise.

I can't believe it. There they are. My wife. And my child. Both smile sadly they can't speak. Only watch as I end my life. I would rather they didn't. But it felt right. I was doing this to be with them after all.

As I mounted the tree and prepared to jump. A black form appeared. "You have cheated death." It says. "You were given your blessing and final wish. But you will not die!" He is angry. I see it. I feel it. It's everywhere. I must jump. To please him.

Time slows as I fall. I see ruby and Angela. There. Watching. I also hear death speaking. "You will not die until you move on. For punishment of deceit.

I feel like hammer just struck my soul. Putting it in chains. I see Angela crying. Begging. I see Ruby. For the last time. Because I can't move on.

I see a blur of rainbow as my saviour comes. The saviour that destroyed my hope. And locked my soul in chains. Rainbow Dash.

I feel the rope snap. Feel the ground break my legs. And see RD's worried eyes. The eyes that cursed me.

"Joe? Joe!" I feel the anger consume me. The loss. The suffering. I know if she doesn't get away. I will do something unforgivable.

"Rainbow... get away" I say with hate in my eyes. I can't vent this pain. Even torture wouldn't compare to a life of misery. Now I was no better than Grey Hoof. A killer. Doomed to walk the earth. I will spend my existence there. I have decided. Never see the ponies that were my friends. Because they will only remind me of what I lost. And what I will do to Rainbow.

She sees it in my eyes. The hate. I hate myself for hating. My good side over bad. But bad will win. Bad will always win. Bad is all I have left.

She's crying now. She thinks I'll try again. I need to explain. "Rainbow Dash. Remember these words when you think of me and you will soon move on. You have doomed me." I turned. And didn't stop. Not for her crying. Or her wailing. Or even her pleas. They all hurt me more. Until there was nothing left but hurt. Hurt. Loss. They're the same thing at this stage.

I pass through the trees. Away from everything I hold dear. Condemning myself to years of pain. Years of sadness. Because in the end it was my fault. And I couldn't blame Rainbow Dash. But it isn't that easy.

I settle down In Mitta's corner. I can see why she liked it. Cold. But enclosed. Safe but enough to make it uncomfortable. I would sit here and morn. I had essentially replaced Mitta. At least that brought me comfort. Like a firefly in a black cloth. The only Leigh in the dark clinging sorrow. She didn't deserve this. I did. I obviously hadn't gone through enough punishment. I had tried to die and death didn't come. So now I was doomed. All because of him. I would never forgive. Never move on. But it was the only way to end the suffering.

It hadn't been two minutes and I was already being tempted to leave my love and child just to escape pain I deserved. So now I will sit here. And suffer. Because that's all I can do.

I wake to see the sun shining on me. But I don't feel its of nightmares. I will never forgive. And never escape. Not even In sleep. It was then that I geared Grey Hoof. But he wasn't talking to me. "Why hello there young fillies. What brings you to Sunnytown?"

"Well me an' ma friends here were just gonna look around." Dread. I knew that voice. They were here for me. I then thought why my first thought hadn't been my fear for their safety. Because I'm selfish. That's why.

I slowly back into the house that's now repaired. They couldn't find me. They were determined. I would never get them to leave. Then night would fall and they would all be cursed.

I wouldn't let that happen. Not to those with a chance in life. A chance to be happy.

I slowly stood up and walked to the entrance of house again. I would try everything to get rid of them before I went with them.

Scootaloo saw me first. I glared at them as they nervously approached me. Fear would be my best chance at making them leave. "Do you have any idea what danger your in?" I said slowly. The hatred in my words almost palpable. I saw Apple Bloom walk forward shakily. "We've come to get you outta here." I could've lied. But AJ must have taught me better than I thought. So instead of saying I couldn't leave I said "But I don't want to leave." They stared at me incredulously. "But why!" Scoot shouted. I glared at her when ponies looked round. I then replied "You wouldn't understand. You live happy, peaceful lives. What I can tell you is that I deserve to remain here."

Before any of us could speak I saw Grey Hoof approaching. I had to act quickly. He could curse the girls. "Get behind me" I commanded. They did so as Grey Hoof came to a halt. "So you fillies are with the cursed one." He says this with an icy tone "at least I wear mine with sorrow. You will never understand what you have done Grey Hoof." I then step towards him. Making sure the CMC's are behind me.

I stand face to face. He tries to attack. I knew he would. I was ready. I grab hold of his neck and spin hard. I hear a splintering sound. Then a crack. I feel no remorse. He isn't a living soul. He doesn't deserve any. Neither should I. I turn to see the fillies gagging at the sight of Grey Hoof . Maybe now they can leave me alone is all I think. Selfish.

I turn to re-enter the house. "Wait!" Sweetie Belle cried "You can't leave us alone here. After that." I hoped they would fear me. Those three would probably fight an ursa major if it meant getting their cutie marks. Jokes couldn't help my mood. I replied "You got here on your own. So why can't you leave" They tried to reply before Apple Bloom spoke sadly "You helped Ruby..."

That hurt. I couldn't be reminded. Ever. I stared at them as they looked at me. It was then that I saw the crowd behind them. I had to help. Or I'd be stuck with them. Reminding me of my selfishness for not saving them. Forever. Sighing I said. "Climb on up then" I had given goals piggyback rides on the first day. But I used to do this to Ruby. I heard her giggling every time I did it.

I slowly walked towards the ponies. They stared nervously at Grey Hoof's corpse. He would be back when I returned. The ponies in front of me moved slowly out of the way.

As we walked through the forest no one talked. We found the path after an hour or so. It was quite a long walk to the edge of the forest. As we neared the tree-line I slowly lowered myself so the fillies on my back could jump off. They all turned to face me. Sadness in their eyes. It was an alien emotion to them. I felt it every day. And would continue to do so.

"This is goodbye girls" I said sternly. "I won't help you next time." I turned. And was about to walk away when I heard the birds. They were singing together. It sounded slow and mournful. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had gone off somewhere. I looked through some bushes. There. On the hill were my friends. The urge to run to them. To forget my life of solitude was overwhelming. Until I remembered my wife and child. It pained me that I had forgotten them. Even for a second.

They looked to be huddled together. Planning I guessed. They wouldn't give up on me I realised. It really was a sad thought. It burnt me to think it. Mentally burnt.

I tried to think of how to dissuade them of coming to get them. I needed a warning. This part wouldn't be pleasant I realised. I found a sharp flint and a stick. I spent an hour sharpening it. I then strengthened the tip from a fire I started. I then set out to find some prey.

I decided on a deer. It was smaller here than on earth. I could carry it. I did this now. Back to the path. It was then I heard a Pegasus. Rainbow Dash I knew her wing beat. She just sat there. At the entrance of the forest waiting. For me I realised sadly. I had hurt her. Mentally and physically. She can't cope I know so she probably sits here every evening clinging to the hope I'll come to her. It hurts seeing her like this. Her heart torn in two. I would've come to her. Had things been different... I shake my head. I can't think like that. Because it lead back to them. Always back to them. I loved them so much. And I had to throw them away. I knew as well realisation dawning on me. If I got any closer to RD she would end up like those fire men. I couldn't let that happen. If it did. I would lose the only thing keeping my soul In my body. My friends. Because deep down. There was still the hope of help. And now I was pushing them further away.

Finally she left. Flying away. Slowly, she never flat slowly. I can't think of that now though even though it will be she who finds the sign. I put the sharpened staff into the deer carcass. I almost laugh at how the blood used to make me faint. I take the wooden board I had found on the edge of the forest. Probably some ponies. I then balance the board where people will see It and using the blood on the spear as blood I write ' I am beyond your help. Leave me be.' I examine the sign. Probably not enough. Never enough to stop friends. I sigh as I place the carcass at the foot of the sign then turn and walk into the forest back into Sunny Town.

I woke realising it's the last day under Applejack's care. I would be learning her lessons. But now. Avoiding death wasn't the problem. It was obtaining it.

I stepped out of my cottage in Sunny town. If it hadn't been cursed and evil. It would've been a nice place. I see Grey Hoof in the distance. Eying me with pure hatred. I pay no attention.

I then decide to eat. Before remembering I didn't need to. Death wouldn't overlook something so simple. So I just went back inside and sat on a crate. The hard seat reminded me of my punishment. I woke with a start. I hadn't realised I'd fallen asleep. The nightmares had reminded me In no due course though.

As I went to sit up. Something felt wrong. I couldn't move...no it couldn't be! I felt helpless as I struggled against the magic. My mental anger building until I felt my senses and movement return. I was angry now. .angry! I roared a challenge. Natural instincts taking over. I then looked into a pair of eyes. Not those eyes. No!

I tried to turn away but they held me. "Sit. Down" Fluttershy said, I didn't dare argue. I sat then. Feeling annoyed at how easy it must have been to teleport me to the library. So easy. I wouldn't make the same mistake again. I just needed to get out before they went on helping me. They couldn't help me when I had made my selfish decision to never let my family go.

"Tell us what happened. Starting with the beginning of the week. I stayed silent. Let them try and find out. It would be easier to show then to explain. after a long silence she finally says "very well you leave us no choice" I close my eyes as she approaches her horn being surrounded by her magic. I knew this would make me relive the past week. including my thoughts. They would see it to. There was some good. But mostly, it was bad, too bad for them to watch. It was too late now, let them see. Let Rainbow see what she did to me. I don't have time to regret the thought before Twilight's horn touches my forehead and blackness descends.

I see it all again. Too much emotion. I separate my emotions. Or at least I try to. After all that happened this week I don't think I'll escape the guilt ever again.

When we get to the clearing, where I see them I feel my gut twist painfully, even my body can't take the pain I felt being denied my loved ones. This will destroy RD... and it's all my fault. The thought of hurting one of my best and only friends hurts. And no matter how much I experience it. I will never escape the hurt. And the feelings it brings with it.

As I feel my conscious return to me I look at them again. I look at Rainbow. I see the light, once so bright. Die in her eyes. Nopony deserves that I approach her slowly. She begins to back away, towards the door. If she leaves, she will never return. I can see it happen.

I can't let it come to pass. I dive so she doesn't escape. I don't care if the others think I'm attacking her. I need to comfort her before the hate returns. I wrap my arms around her neck in a tight embrace as I lie there, I say "don't give up hope." I say gently. I look into her eyes, I see a spark. "I won't if you don't" she whispers back sadly. I tense at that. Then nod my head. I will try for her. To keep her safe. I wonder why I continue to comfort the mare who destroyed my life.

Fluttershy walks towards us. "Joe, you are to move in with me. I will try to help you cope" I stare. She is so strange, commanding at some times, then timid for the most. She makes a cute sound and retreats into her mane. I nod slowly. Before turning back to RD. "please don't try to leave" she whispers. I know that desperation. I know what she'll do if I leave. That will not happen to her. I will protect her how I can. But I won't move on. I am doomed to watch them fail. Age and then die. And I'll be alone. All alone. I nod my head meaningfully and she stands up, wiping the tears out her eyes before slowly leaving the library and taking off into the air. I then look back as Fluttershy motions for me to leave so I head towards her cottage. With her trailing behind. I no longer think of death. Just how I will survive. Without giving up to the dark embrace of despair.

**This chapter may start out badly. This is due completely to parents. Who discovered my bronydom, there reaction was one of acceptance like I suspected. But they then have to put doubt into my head. It messed with my imagination and concentration and my writing was terrible. So I scrapped the worst parts and after some BLC (brony loving care) from friends I got back to writing. Please forgive the lapse in writing and I'll try to focus. I now realise how foalish I was to doubt you guys. **

**BRO HOOF**


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